*   Common myths   *   Who is  a victim ?   *   Cycle of violence   *

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

• name-calling or putdowns

• keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends

• withholding money

• stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job

• actual or threatened physical harm

• sexual assault

• stalking

• intimidation

Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.

The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel".

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

If you are being abused, REMEMBER:

1. You are not alone

2. It is not your fault

3. Help is available

COMMON MYTHS AND WHY THEY ARE WRONG

Domestic violence is not a problem in my community.

• Michigan State Police records from 1997 show that a woman is killed by a partner or former partner about once a week in Michigan.

• In 1998, the Michigan State Police reported more than 5,000 victims of domestic violence in Oakland County.

Domestic violence only happens to poor women and women of color.

• Domestic violence happens in all kinds of families and relationships. Persons of any class, culture, religion, sexual orientation, marital status, age, and sex can be victims or perpetrators of domestic violence.

Some people deserve to be hit.

• No one deserves to be abused. Period. The only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.

• Physical violence, even among family members, is wrong and against the law.

Alcohol, drug abuse, stress, and mental illness cause domestic violence.

• Alcohol use, drug use, and stress do not cause domestic violence; they may go along with domestic violence, but they do not cause the violence. Abusers often say they use these excuses for their violence. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1.6 - 1.7)

• Generally, domestic violence happens when an abuser has learned and chooses to abuse. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 5)

• Domestic violence is rarely caused by mental illness, but it is often used as an excuse for domestic violence. (Michigan Judicial Institute, Domestic Violence Benchbook, 1998, p. 1 - 8)

Domestic violence is a personal problem between a husband and a wife.

• Domestic violence affects everyone.

• About 1 in 3 American women have been physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. (Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman's Lifespan: the Commonwealth Fund 1998 Survey of Women's Health, 1999)

• In 1996, 30% of all female murder victims were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. (Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1997)

• 40% to 60% of men who abuse women also abuse children. (American Psychological Association, Violence and the Family, 1996)

If it were that bad, she would just leave.

• There are many reasons why women may not leave. Not leaving does not mean that the situation is okay or that the victim want to be abused.

• Leaving can be dangerous. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave. (United States Department of Justice, National Crime Victim Survey, 1995)

MANY VICTIMS DO LEAVE AND LEAD SUCCESSFUL, VIOLENCE FREE LIVES.

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Who Are The Victims?

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

Since abuse can happen to anyone, people can have special concerns. All resources listed in this book understand your special concerns. They will listen to you and treat you with respect.

If you are a person of color ...
You may be afraid of prejudice. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help.

If you are a lesbian, gay, or transgendered person ...
You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation.

If you are physically or mentally challenged or elderly ...
You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you.

If you are a male victim of abuse ...
You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you.

If you are from another country ...
You may be afraid of being deported.

If your religion makes it hard to get help ...
You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family.

If you are a teen ...
You could be a victim of abuse, or at risk if you are dating someone who:

• is very jealous and/or spies on you

• will not let you break off the relationship

• hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people

• puts you down or makes you feel bad

• forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex

• abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol

• has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others

It is hard for teens to leave their abuser if they go to the same school. They cannot hide. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be scared they may have to reveal their sexual orientation.

If you are a child in a violent home ...
Most children in these homes know about the violence. Parents may think children do not know about the violence, but most of the time they do. Children often know what happened. They can feel helpless, scared and upset. They may also feel like the violence is their fault.

If you are being stalked ... 
Stalking is repeated harassment that makes you feel scared or upset. A stalker can be someone you know or a stranger. They often bother people by giving them attention they do not want. This can be unwanted phone calls or gifts, or following people by going to where they work or live. It can also be threats to you or your family.

People may think stalking is not dangerous because no one has been physically hurt. Stalking is serious. It is against the law. It often turns to physical violence.

There is help. Find out how to get a Personal Protection Order (PPO). You can also tell the police. You can make a case by keeping track of what the stalker does by:

• telling the police every time the stalker makes contact with you

• keeping a book with you at all times so that you can write down the stalkers contacts

• saving phone messages from the stalker

• saving letters and gifts from the stalker

• writing down information about the stalker, like the way they look, kind of car they drive and license plate number

STALKING IS A CRIME.

What is Abuse? - A Warning List

Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive. People often think of domestic violence as physical violence, such as hitting. However, domestic violence takes other forms, such as psychological, emotional, or sexual abuse.

Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person. It can happen to people who are married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated, or dating.

If your partner repeatedly uses one or more of the following to control you:

• pushing, hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, or biting

• threatening you, your children, other family members or pets

• threatening suicide to get you to do something

• using or threatening to use a weapon against you

• keeping or taking your paycheck

• puts you down or makes you feel bad

• forcing you to have sex or to do sexual acts you do not want or like

• keeping you from seeing your friends, family or from going to work

YOU HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!

Remember threatened or actual physical violence may be illegal. Consider calling the police for help.

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Violence Wheel

The chart below is a way of looking at the behaviors abusers use to get and keep control in their relationships. Battering is a choice. It is used to gain power and control over another person. Physical abuse is only one part of a system of abusive behaviors. Abuse is never a one time event.

Cycle of violence

• Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

• Abuser starts to get angry

• Abuse may begin

• There is a breakdown of communication

• Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm

• Tension becomes too much

• Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

• Abuser may apologize for abuse

• Abuser may promise it will never happen again

• Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse

• Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

• Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

• Physical abuse may not be taking place

• Promises made during 'making-up' may be met

• Victim may hope that the abuse is over

• Abuser may give gifts to victim

The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete.